Sometimes you have to wonder what you have gotten yourself into, watching you life pass by as you try desperately to keep up with all it's demands, while trying to raise your children. If anyone had told you how difficult this was going to be, I am not sure that most would "belly-up" and take on this challenge.
However though the tough times, as well as the good, there are thousands of small moments that may be the most rewarding in your life. It is those little things you notice and take pleasure in as you hear your kids giggling over something silly off in some other room, that will bring your mind to smile.
Once in a great while you get to watch your little one experience a major victory. They don't come often, but when they do, it is the best feeling of all.
My son struggled with sports and may have had some of the worst coaches, I have ever seen. I won't go into the details but there are some thing you just don't do and say to a 10 year old kid. However, he had a great personal moment later in high school as the lead singer in a small rock band that his peers loved. It also brought a tear to the eye of his dad in the audience. He was finally getting some personal recognition and he had worked hard for it.
This last week, my youngest daughter won a hard earned trophy at a local golf tournament. Since it was match play, her opponent was the one who announce that my daughter had won and so she just responded with a "good match" compliment. However as she turned to me, bursting with pride, lips pursed together and with beaming eyes, I almost again came to tears.
It may be these moments that make it all worth the effort.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Your Kids CAN'T Play, because of you!
What in the world are we doing to our kids?
A good friend of mine proposed that we are killing them with kindness. I had never considered such a thing, but after taking a minute to listen to him, I came to the thought that he just may be right.
They say you parrot the behavior of your parents, because they are the only role model for parenting you really know, but it seem that ever since the baby-boomers came along, many of us have completely flipped the parenting model around. Maybe this, is the true legacy of the "Hippy" generation.
My parents had little or nothing to do with my play activities. As a matter of fact of all the sports I ever played, from pick up games to various school sports, I can only remember my parents attending once, an 8th grade football game. I went on to participate in many school sports and while I was pretty average at most but I did share a school record on a track relay team for a while. But though it all, my parents were never there and I was OK with it. It just was, the way that it was.
There were a few kid's parents, who attended all the games, but to me I thought this was a little wimpy of the kids and over protective of the parents. I believe that many of my friends felt the same way.
You see we were children of the WWII veterans and to them kids seem to be an after thought. When it came to play, it always was, "just go outside and play," and we did. But not anymore!
We (myself include) seem to supervise most if not all of the play activities that our kids have. Organized sports have gotten the best of us and we are lined up to get 'em signed up. We pay to have them play and go to all of their games and many of their practices. Many parents drive miles and miles on weekends for their kids to compete and pay professional coaches to train them.
My point isn't this is inherently bad, only that it is different and along with the benefits there may be a down side to it. So my question to you is "do your kids know how to play with out any involvement from you? If not, are we doing a disservice to our kids.
I am thinking, maybe.....
A good friend of mine proposed that we are killing them with kindness. I had never considered such a thing, but after taking a minute to listen to him, I came to the thought that he just may be right.
They say you parrot the behavior of your parents, because they are the only role model for parenting you really know, but it seem that ever since the baby-boomers came along, many of us have completely flipped the parenting model around. Maybe this, is the true legacy of the "Hippy" generation.
My parents had little or nothing to do with my play activities. As a matter of fact of all the sports I ever played, from pick up games to various school sports, I can only remember my parents attending once, an 8th grade football game. I went on to participate in many school sports and while I was pretty average at most but I did share a school record on a track relay team for a while. But though it all, my parents were never there and I was OK with it. It just was, the way that it was.
There were a few kid's parents, who attended all the games, but to me I thought this was a little wimpy of the kids and over protective of the parents. I believe that many of my friends felt the same way.
You see we were children of the WWII veterans and to them kids seem to be an after thought. When it came to play, it always was, "just go outside and play," and we did. But not anymore!
We (myself include) seem to supervise most if not all of the play activities that our kids have. Organized sports have gotten the best of us and we are lined up to get 'em signed up. We pay to have them play and go to all of their games and many of their practices. Many parents drive miles and miles on weekends for their kids to compete and pay professional coaches to train them.
My point isn't this is inherently bad, only that it is different and along with the benefits there may be a down side to it. So my question to you is "do your kids know how to play with out any involvement from you? If not, are we doing a disservice to our kids.
I am thinking, maybe.....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The best clapper in First Grade
My first daughter at 6 years old, was just thrilled when her teacher appointed her the official "eraser clapper." It was her job to take the dirty chalk board erasers outside each day and clap them together to knock the chalk dust off them.
This may seem insignificant to us, but to her, it was like she had an important job to do much like her teacher. Each day she would go directly to the chalk board, collect all the erasers and promptly take them outside for a good cleaning. She felt great about her new found job.
It is funny, but as we grow older, we tend to define ourselves by the things we do and the recognition we get for our actions. But as we learn in our adult lives, the one thing you can always depend upon is change.
Just a week later, she came home from school very disheartened. She told me that the teacher had said that she could no longer clean the erasers for her. She felt as though she had been fired from her job.
When I asked her why, she told me that the teacher wanted Katie (a classmate) to clean them for her, and that she knew that Katie could not clean them as well as she could.
I just told her, that I was sure she was right, and she was.
This may seem insignificant to us, but to her, it was like she had an important job to do much like her teacher. Each day she would go directly to the chalk board, collect all the erasers and promptly take them outside for a good cleaning. She felt great about her new found job.
It is funny, but as we grow older, we tend to define ourselves by the things we do and the recognition we get for our actions. But as we learn in our adult lives, the one thing you can always depend upon is change.
Just a week later, she came home from school very disheartened. She told me that the teacher had said that she could no longer clean the erasers for her. She felt as though she had been fired from her job.
When I asked her why, she told me that the teacher wanted Katie (a classmate) to clean them for her, and that she knew that Katie could not clean them as well as she could.
I just told her, that I was sure she was right, and she was.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Poof, You're an Aunt !
A wonderful, young girl that I used to work with, hung up the phone and walked over to me with a big smile. I asked her, " So what's up."
She replied, "I am an Aunt!" I congratulated her and went back to working chuckling over what had just happened.
It occurred to me that one minute she wasn't an Aunt and the next minute, she was. So I drew a picture of an "ant" (the 6 legged kind) holding a phone, with the caption of "POOF" and gave it to her. She had not prepared to be an Aunt, made and specific plans for being an Aunt or even gave much thought to it before it was imminent, but here she was.......an aunt. (Sometime, somethings are just funny to me.)
It seems to me this is a lot like being a Single Parent. You don't really plan for it, or prepare for it, but for many of us, one day it just happens. I am not saying that you don't know it is coming, because you certainly do and probably if you are like most, have "debated" the pros and cons with your soon to be ex-spouse. While in the process, a lot of emotions are so tied up in being a "non-married" person, leaving the "parenting alone" part, as an unpleasant after effect. Talk to anyone going through the process and much of the conversation will be about the soon-to-be-ex, not how am I going to manage the kids alone.
I know this is just the way it is, but far after the fact, you begin to see that the only lasting impact is really on your kids. You will start again, just like you have many times before, and you have some perspective with all the other things in your life, but for the kids the whole world has changed.
Maybe this is where the expression "you can never go home again, comes from. Sometimes things that change, change forever, especially for kids.
She replied, "I am an Aunt!" I congratulated her and went back to working chuckling over what had just happened.
It occurred to me that one minute she wasn't an Aunt and the next minute, she was. So I drew a picture of an "ant" (the 6 legged kind) holding a phone, with the caption of "POOF" and gave it to her. She had not prepared to be an Aunt, made and specific plans for being an Aunt or even gave much thought to it before it was imminent, but here she was.......an aunt. (Sometime, somethings are just funny to me.)
It seems to me this is a lot like being a Single Parent. You don't really plan for it, or prepare for it, but for many of us, one day it just happens. I am not saying that you don't know it is coming, because you certainly do and probably if you are like most, have "debated" the pros and cons with your soon to be ex-spouse. While in the process, a lot of emotions are so tied up in being a "non-married" person, leaving the "parenting alone" part, as an unpleasant after effect. Talk to anyone going through the process and much of the conversation will be about the soon-to-be-ex, not how am I going to manage the kids alone.
I know this is just the way it is, but far after the fact, you begin to see that the only lasting impact is really on your kids. You will start again, just like you have many times before, and you have some perspective with all the other things in your life, but for the kids the whole world has changed.
Maybe this is where the expression "you can never go home again, comes from. Sometimes things that change, change forever, especially for kids.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A Wise Golf Coach Gave Me Great Parenting Advice
The game of golf seems to be a never ending pursuit of improvement. Just when you think you've got it down, the weather or the obstacles change. Sounds a lot like parenting, doesn't it?
There were two really good lessons that I learned from my golf coach (when I finally manned up and admitted that I needed some outside help.) I believe they both apply to parenting and here they are:
1.) "The problem is not the arrow, it's the Indian." I was convinced that I really needed a better set of clubs to cure my slicing problems. He was trying to tell me that the biggest improvement could be found by simply changing me, not some exterior elements that have a MUCH lesser effect on the outcome.
2.) "Practice does not make perfect, it makes permanent." I thought that if I just work hard enough and long enough, I would get better. He was trying to tell me that it was the quality of my actions that would have a greater impact on the results, than the quanity of my actions.
Good parenting advice? What do you think? I know it really help my golf game.
There were two really good lessons that I learned from my golf coach (when I finally manned up and admitted that I needed some outside help.) I believe they both apply to parenting and here they are:
1.) "The problem is not the arrow, it's the Indian." I was convinced that I really needed a better set of clubs to cure my slicing problems. He was trying to tell me that the biggest improvement could be found by simply changing me, not some exterior elements that have a MUCH lesser effect on the outcome.
2.) "Practice does not make perfect, it makes permanent." I thought that if I just work hard enough and long enough, I would get better. He was trying to tell me that it was the quality of my actions that would have a greater impact on the results, than the quanity of my actions.
Good parenting advice? What do you think? I know it really help my golf game.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
My Kookie Friend, Admits to no Control of her Teen
As a parent of kids on "traveling soccer" teams, I spend a lot of time chauffeuring my kids to practices and games. With the kids progressing to better and better teams , we parents drive further to be able to compete with other competitive girls.This all means that the parents end up staying at the practices and spending a lot of time together. Eventually you get some glimpses into the relationship they have with their kids.
One of my fellow parents is a little kookie but has a heart as big as the ocean. She admits to having little to no control over her daughter. She goes out of her way to be supportive of her daughter's soccer and other interest but has mentioned more than once, that her daughter acts like she doesn't really like her. This seems odd to her because she talks about how hard she has worked over the years trying to be a friend to her . (Do you think there is a message here?)
She was telling me that she really doesn't like the fact that her daughter watches the Tyra Banks Show on television, but can not stop her. I suggested that she just tell her that she is not allowed to watch that particular show and her comment was, "yeah like that will work."
You know, this is a REALLY nice lady, who is also very intelligent and truly wishes her relationship with her daughter was better. One kind of unique thing about her is that she speaks fluent Japanese. I am thinking that maybe she needs learn how to speak the language of "teen" a little better. What do you think?
Maybe we all try a little too hard to be friends to our kids, instead of being parents and allow them to be mad at us for a while. I know I have much harder and more restrictive on my kids that she has, and it seems to me that my kids don't "like me" any less for it.
Maybe I have gained a little respect by setting a little higher standard of expectations for them, and maybe that will translate into them having a little more respect for themselves too.
One of my fellow parents is a little kookie but has a heart as big as the ocean. She admits to having little to no control over her daughter. She goes out of her way to be supportive of her daughter's soccer and other interest but has mentioned more than once, that her daughter acts like she doesn't really like her. This seems odd to her because she talks about how hard she has worked over the years trying to be a friend to her . (Do you think there is a message here?)
She was telling me that she really doesn't like the fact that her daughter watches the Tyra Banks Show on television, but can not stop her. I suggested that she just tell her that she is not allowed to watch that particular show and her comment was, "yeah like that will work."
You know, this is a REALLY nice lady, who is also very intelligent and truly wishes her relationship with her daughter was better. One kind of unique thing about her is that she speaks fluent Japanese. I am thinking that maybe she needs learn how to speak the language of "teen" a little better. What do you think?
Maybe we all try a little too hard to be friends to our kids, instead of being parents and allow them to be mad at us for a while. I know I have much harder and more restrictive on my kids that she has, and it seems to me that my kids don't "like me" any less for it.
Maybe I have gained a little respect by setting a little higher standard of expectations for them, and maybe that will translate into them having a little more respect for themselves too.
Friday, May 14, 2010
How Smart are these Toddlers?
When my oldest daughter was only three years old, I was truly surprised how much she knew. It seemed she always had a better understanding of things that I would have imagined.
One day I decided to test her. I started asking her what I thought were some relatively simple questions, like: what is your mothers older sister's last name? As she answered correctly I gave her progressive harder questions until I thought they were getting pretty difficult, like: what is the name of the pet of my father's youngest child's, daughter?
To my astonishment she was very good at following the progression of people in my questions and continued to answer correctly. However, she tired of answering so many question and asked me if I would let her ask me a couple.
I said, "Oh, honey that wouldn't be any fun." When she asked why, I explain that it just would not be possible for her to ask me one that I did not know. But she persisted, so I just said "Okay, go ahead and try."
She thought about it for a minute, with her eyes wandering the room searching for a question and then it came to her. She look up at me and said, "Okay Dad, What is God's last name?"
One day I decided to test her. I started asking her what I thought were some relatively simple questions, like: what is your mothers older sister's last name? As she answered correctly I gave her progressive harder questions until I thought they were getting pretty difficult, like: what is the name of the pet of my father's youngest child's, daughter?
To my astonishment she was very good at following the progression of people in my questions and continued to answer correctly. However, she tired of answering so many question and asked me if I would let her ask me a couple.
I said, "Oh, honey that wouldn't be any fun." When she asked why, I explain that it just would not be possible for her to ask me one that I did not know. But she persisted, so I just said "Okay, go ahead and try."
She thought about it for a minute, with her eyes wandering the room searching for a question and then it came to her. She look up at me and said, "Okay Dad, What is God's last name?"
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Why are kids so fat or so fit?
For some reason, certainly unknown to me, kids just do not seem to be built like they used to be. I am not sure what the data is on child obesity, but I would imagine that it probably varies depending on if you are talking to some one selling fast food or someone selling exercise equipment. However, some simple observations will tell you that kids are no longer built like they used to be. This is not well hidden by the popular clothes worn by young girls that seem to be tighter than tight. If there is any flaw at all, it is there for all the world to see.
On the other hand there seems to be a lot of kid that are in extremely good physical shape. There are young boys with bulging muscles and young teenage girls with the figures of young women. I was at the home of a friend taking picture of our 8th grade daughters before a formal dance last week and more than one of the parents commented to me, "girls didn't look like this back when we were in school." And you know, they were right.
It is almost like the shrinking of the middle-class in America. The average built teens seem to be diminishing while both the fit and the fat are growing in numbers. Unfortunately, it seem that there may be more becoming fat that fit.
Am I the only one seeing this? And if you agree, what do you think is causing this change? Is it fast food, electronic game, the media or something we influence at parents?
What do you think? I know there are some genetics that we can not control, but if this is a trend to be more fit or more fat, are we (the parents) part of the problem?
On the other hand there seems to be a lot of kid that are in extremely good physical shape. There are young boys with bulging muscles and young teenage girls with the figures of young women. I was at the home of a friend taking picture of our 8th grade daughters before a formal dance last week and more than one of the parents commented to me, "girls didn't look like this back when we were in school." And you know, they were right.
It is almost like the shrinking of the middle-class in America. The average built teens seem to be diminishing while both the fit and the fat are growing in numbers. Unfortunately, it seem that there may be more becoming fat that fit.
Am I the only one seeing this? And if you agree, what do you think is causing this change? Is it fast food, electronic game, the media or something we influence at parents?
What do you think? I know there are some genetics that we can not control, but if this is a trend to be more fit or more fat, are we (the parents) part of the problem?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Kids yelling at the grocery store.
Again yesterday, I was at the grocery store only to hear that same little kid hollering at their parent 2 aisles over. Well to tell the truth, it really wasn't the same kid, but it might as well have been. It seems that most every time I am in there, some random child decides to impose their will upon their parent by yelling at them.
I would like to say they were just tired and just trying to get the parent to take them home, but that seem never to be the case. I would like to say they were crying, because they were hurt and just waiting for the parent to comfort them, but that also is not the case.
Almost eveytime the child has decided that they want some item that the parent has not put in the shopping cart and the child has decided to holler (in a very loud and whinny voice) until they get their way. AND... in most every case the parent eventually gives in, and gives them what they want.
Does anybody not understand that they are reward their children for this behavior and they will do the same thing, only louder and longer next time they want their way?
How do you handle this situation?
I would like to say they were just tired and just trying to get the parent to take them home, but that seem never to be the case. I would like to say they were crying, because they were hurt and just waiting for the parent to comfort them, but that also is not the case.
Almost eveytime the child has decided that they want some item that the parent has not put in the shopping cart and the child has decided to holler (in a very loud and whinny voice) until they get their way. AND... in most every case the parent eventually gives in, and gives them what they want.
Does anybody not understand that they are reward their children for this behavior and they will do the same thing, only louder and longer next time they want their way?
How do you handle this situation?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Who's the Boss, You or Your Kids?
When I was a kid there was never any doubt who was in charge. It was ALWAYS your parents. If they were not around, it was your teacher, grandparent or babysitter. Sometimes it was just the adult nearest to the child who need a little direction and everyone excepted it.
That is not the case today.
So what changed???
Are we so busy being politically correct that we are afraid to parent our kids, especially in public? Have parents lost all control? Do parents no longer feel responsible for their children's poor behavior, or do they just not recognize poor behavior when they see it?
I am concern about the quality of adults we are producing with this "new style" of parenting, are you?
That is not the case today.
So what changed???
Are we so busy being politically correct that we are afraid to parent our kids, especially in public? Have parents lost all control? Do parents no longer feel responsible for their children's poor behavior, or do they just not recognize poor behavior when they see it?
I am concern about the quality of adults we are producing with this "new style" of parenting, are you?
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