One of my 15 Great Parenting Secrets
a little something I learned along the way...QUESTION:
How would you like to have the best behaved children your have ever seen? To have kids that are not just well mannered and mindful of your instructions, but ALSO who are a contributing to the many things that you are trying to accomplish on an everyday basis? And most of all, what if this helping behavior was not even connect to any specific instructions from you? That would be GREAT, wouldn't it?Now I know what you are thinking, "not my kids" or "that could never happen." But I am here to tell you that it can and it will, with just a small change in the way you are working with them. I am going to give you one of the many insights that I call my 15 Tips I have gained through working with my kids for so many years.
I have 4 kids, all of them very different and each with their own temperament and personality. All of them became so outstandingly well behaved that I had friends, neighbors and even new acquaintances calling me up and asking how this came to be. If you think this is an exaggeration, I will give you a true example to demonstrate my point.
EXAMPLE:
When my first 2 kids, Kyle and Teddy Jr. were just 5 and 3 years of age, we had an end of day routine that illustrates this "co-operative" behavior. As bed time approached, I casually mentioned its' nearing with a couple warnings about 5 minutes and 3 minutes prior. This was not a question or subject for debate, it was merely a warning. Then when it arrived, I just said "Time for Bed" and my kids would turn off the TV, pick up the toys they had out (regardless of who got them out), and throw them in the toy box. Then they would go upstairs, Kyle who was 5 would put a fresh diaper on her brother and put him in his crib. She would go into the bathroom, use the potty, brush her teeth and put a night time diaper on herself. (She took a little longer than most to manage her night bladder.) Then she would get into her bed and they both would yell, "Dad, we are ready."REASON:
There was really no reason to teach my kids do this other than other than the fact that I was trying to make them more self sufficient. As a single parent, I used to like to spend a little down time playing with them right after dinner. Since I had spent the 45 minutes prior to dinner, preparing it, this gave us a chance to be together right after we got done eating. However this meant that when bed time came around, I was either elbow deep in the sink, doing dishes or in the middle of preparing lunches or packing whatever we were going to need for the next morning. I know all of you single parents will understand the necessity of having you kids capable of acting independently as early in years as possible. Sometimes necessity is the “mother of achievement.”THE TIP & THE MAGIC THAT MAKES IT WORK:
This is a Warning: “The tip will not work without the Magic” so apply both.The tip is to BE CONSISTENT and the magic is to BE INCONSISTENT in your pursuit of consistency.
BE CONSISTENT: (the Tip)
No one can be expected to obey the rules when the rules keep on changing. As adult we understand that the rules of proper behavior vary. They are often situational in nature and some behaviors that are just fine in one situation are totally inappropriate in another. However to a “Toddler” or young child this will prove to be quite problematic. You can see this evidenced everywhere as parents struggle with the behavior of their kids in a restaurant, not recognizing that it is the exact same behavior that is accepted at meal time at home.As your kids grow you will need to introduce them to situational behavior model but it is best to start them off with the behaviors which are acceptable everywhere. Then to get this to stick, you need to reinforce religiously. This means without fail. If you can get you children to respond in the exact same way 3 times in a row to the same situation, they have got it. They have learned and accepted the behavior as theirs. I call this the “the rule of 3.” I speak much more of this in my book: "Look Out, I'm Parenting Here!"
BE INCONSISTENT: (the Magic)
To be successful you must recognize that you too are subject to “the rule of 3.” This means if you consistently give the same instructions to you children to precipitate the correct response, you instruction becomes part of the situation required for the proper behavior.
Let’s take my example to illustrate this. Even if you get the kids to respond correctly with specific instructions, you will need to keep giving them the same specific instructions every night. You would need to say, “Turn off the TV” pause “go upstairs” pause “take Teddy to his room” pause “put a clean diaper on him” pause etc. This is not an effective way to get them to respond.
Therefore it is vitally important to vary and diminish your specific instruction to them as quickly as possible. You can do this just by using different words and actions to encourage the same response while teaching it to them.
Failure to do this will put you in to the dreaded “Ring Master” mode. This happens to many parents who honestly believe that their children are well behaved but as everyone else can see, that in the absence of direct and specific instructions from their parent, nothing gets done. Besides, you will find that shortly you will be requiring so many behaviors from your kids that there is no way you could possible keep up.
I know than many people have never learned to delegate and in essence that is what this amounts to. However, it is just one of many skills you will need to develop to be a good parent and a great teacher to your kids.
It is best to start with one simple behavior you would like to correct. BE (inconsistently) CONSISTENT, use the “the rule of 3” and be mindful that you do not fall victim to it and you will do fine.
The best of luck and happy parenting.
Teddy
